child

it’s saddening to see that
time and time again
females fall victim to modelling the standards
and behaviours that society has foolishly inked
as necessary to find a male partner
of which
does nothing but slowly burn a hole in their souls
and feed toxic masculinity

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Waterfront Station

The fact you were late
and the way you dressed was a disappointment

I didn’t want you to hold my hand at all
The idea made me feel an uneasiness like never before
Your hands brushing against mine
Caused me to put my hands in my pocket the whole time

My innocent demeanour made you call yourself a ‘rebel’ but your attempt to impress cracked your act
Your insecurity was like a giant shadow that towered you
Your inability to talk about yourself removed the maturity from your years
Your questions were bullets I used my laughter to dodge

The fact that you had no plan made me want to cry
The accent you tried to pull off made me want to turn back round
The constant attack at yourself and your value made me feel sorry for you
The mere thought back to the moment makes me feel sick in the stomach and I wonder if I shall ever laugh at the experience

However, this was a two player game
I wonder if you saw a reflection of yourself inside me
I wonder if your awkward attempt at saying hi when our eyes locked was a reflection of your disappointment
I wonder if you could hear the frustration in my voice and shot questions as a shield
I wonder if you mistook my laughter as encouragement

I can’t lie and say I don’t feel guilty
There is a little part of me that feels bad for giving you hope, but
There is a bigger part of me that knows you can’t see the full picture of a jigsaw puzzle by just picking up two of its pieces

Mist

I’m on the bus now wondering to myself who I could call if I have an emotional breakdown this very moment

One name comes to mind, but I don’t know what to say

I don’t know if she shall deal with my fragile state with the same amount of care i would hers or anybody else’s

I know that she wouldn’t know what words to say, when to say them and thus I shall have to do the bandaging myself, only to have her watching at the corner

Why is it that I see and handle pain better than the people I call friends?

I hate being vulnerable, I know that very well,
and maybe it is cause I have learnt that when you put expectations on people, they always disappoint,
so I have learnt to compress my emotions like recycled can drinks before they become new soft drinks

And I know very well, that I have been lucky that there hasn’t been a volcano eruption right deep in my being, however my luck is running out

I begin to see it crystal clear, I have allowed people to treat me as their emotional garbage

Always there to hear their problems, to sit with them to find solutions, yet always tossed to the side when life is going great for them

And my ice cube justification that it is better me than people who shall hurt them is slowly but surely turning into mist

Every point in my life, I relearned the lesson, you only have yourself at the end of the day

Times Like These

Today,
for the first time in 3 years,
I feel the breeze in my hair;
on my scalp,
freedom reaching into my soul.

It is times like these that you wonder
why you could not feel hope under the rubble
why you could not feel empowered after a heartbreak.

It is times like these that you wonder
what exactly makes life so hard
what makes your bone crack like grounded cocoa, bitter sweet.

7:35 am

Today I woke up with my heart heavy,
with my chest tight,
and my eyes dry

Today I woke up and wanted to lie back down,
where I disappeared for hours at end,
and not deal with the world

Today I woke up and found out once again that I stick out like a sore thumb in this world;
not quite at each end of the spectrum of fun,
and thus right smack in the middle of lame

Today I woke up and hated how I spent other days when I could breathe in fresh air;
kept myself hidden in a box,
instead of floating on the clouds

Today I woke up and thought about self-worth and self-love,
and wondered if they were the same,
if they were reminders that you have no guide but yourself to help you see when the world turns dark