Today I undeniably felt loved
and it was great
despite me feeling like shying away from the emotions I was showered with
Today I learned once again that love isn’t about whether you make mistakes, or have arguments,
it is about how you resolve them
and ensure that they aren’t repeated
Today I learned that I am not entitled to anything,
not to anybody’s kindness or commitment;
it’s a gift
just the same way my consistency is
Today I have decided to be vulnerable,
to ensure for myself that my actions are deserving of kindness, and surround myself with people who challenge me to be loving; to be humble
It’s never fair.
The girl playing
tag across the street.
The boy trying
to save his
friend from trouble.
The unfinished letters.
The unspoken promises:
broken, shattered, destroyed.
It’s just never
The fact you were late
and the way you dressed were a disappointment
I didn’t want you to hold my hand at all
The idea made me feel an uneasiness like never before
Your hands brushing against mine
Caused me to put mine in my pocket the whole time
My innocent demeanour made you call yourself a ‘rebel’ but your attempt to impress cracked your act
Your insecurity was like a giant shadow that towered you
Your inability to talk about yourself removed the maturity from your years
Your questions were bullets I used my laughter to dodge
The fact that you had no plan made me want to cry
The accent you tried to pull off made me want to turn back round
The constant attack at yourself and your value made me feel sorry for you
The mere thought back to the moment makes me feel sick in the stomach and I wonder if I shall ever laugh at the experience
However, this was a two player game
I wonder if you saw a reflection of yourself in me
I wonder if your awkward attempt at saying hi when our eyes locked was a reflection of your disappointment
I wonder if you heard the frustration in my voice and shot questions as a shield
I wonder if you mistook my laughter as encouragement
I can’t lie and say I don’t feel guilty
There is a little part of me that feels bad for giving you hope, but
There is a bigger part of me that knows you can’t see the full picture of a jigsaw puzzle by just picking up two of its pieces
I’m on the bus now wondering to myself who I could call if I have an emotional breakdown this very moment
One name comes to mind, but I don’t know what to say
I don’t know if she shall deal with my fragile state with the same amount of care i would hers or anybody else’s
I know that she wouldn’t know what words to say, when to say them and thus I shall have to do the bandaging myself, only to have her watching at the corner
I hate being vulnerable, I know that very well,
and maybe it is because I have learnt that when you put expectations on people, they always disappoint,
so I have learnt to compress my emotions like recycled can drinks before they become new soft drinks
And I know very well, that I have been lucky that there hasn’t been an eruption right deep in my being, however my luck is running out
I begin to see it crystal clear, I have allowed people to treat me as their emotional garbage
Always there to hear their problems, to sit with them to find solutions, yet always tossed to the side when life is going great for them
And my ice cube justification better me than people who shall hurt them is slowly but surely turning into mist
Every point in my life, I relearn the lesson, you only have yourself at the end of the day
for the first time in 3 years,
I feel the breeze in my hair;
on my scalp,
freedom reaching into my soul.
It is times like these that you wonder
why you could not feel hope under the rubble
why you could not feel empowered after a heartbreak.
It is times like these that you wonder
what exactly makes life so hard
what makes your bone crack like grounded cocoa, bitter sweet.
Today I woke up with my heart heavy,
with my chest tight,
and my eyes dry
Today I woke up and wanted to lie back down,
where I disappeared for hours at end,
and not deal with the world
Today I woke up and found out once again that I stick out like a sore thumb in this world;
not quite at each end of the spectrum of fun,
and thus right smack in the middle of lame
Today I woke up and hated how I spent other days when I could breathe in fresh air;
kept myself hidden in a box,
instead of floating on the clouds
Today I woke up and thought about self-worth and self-love,
and wondered if they were the same,
if they were reminders that you have no guide but yourself to help you see when the world turns dark
Unexpected, there you were
like a scene from a movie
Novelty you walked like,
straight into my heart
I wasn’t sure whether to smile or speak,
so I just stared,
I must have been starstruck
Calm like the ocean waves your demeanour
yet you lit a flame across my chest,
it sparked to the tip of my fingers
Out of a dream you seem,
rare but possible,
difficult but simple
Right deep in my being you have marked yourself,
even though your name is a distant star
Now I wonder what story-tale I would be living if I had opened my mouth,
or moved my legs,
and not let a miracle pass me by
At 3.50 am in the morning,
I am awaken by a loud wail.
The foreign sounds of someone who doesn’t often shed.
Although clear that it is sincere, I am bewildered that it sounds fake.
What is wrong with emotion?
Why put up a tough front and wrap it with pride when truly,
No one wants you to,
Especially when no one wants you to?
Why succumb yourself to such torture when it’s so much pain?
My, the trouble and the difficulty.
I am not ignorant.
I see both sides and thus wake,
I wake at 3.50am in the morning.